No more kitty kisses.


Lara,

Around me blossoms
the same spring awakens
wreaking havoc on my life

I’ve kicked the crap out of “merciful God”
I’ve struggled thumbscrews tenderhearted angels
I’ve punched justice in her gravely face
I’ve said to all those blitz words such as:
joy, light, merriment, hope:
go back to your cheerful fellows

As she is laying numb in my arms
I fell her body gone numb and her breath is frozen
with her lips pressed together
in her final breath
the great struggle stiffed her limbs and the black demon left
her stern eyes
the pupil of the eye is spilled over with fog

I wonder if this is my time of death.

In this wasteland –
this seems to be
my life now.

Forgive me I couldn’t write a better poem for you,
for the pain has prevented the birth of worthy verse

No more kitty kisses.

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Lullaby For Lara


My best friend, my cat Lara passed away in March 28, 3.10 p,, in Belgrade,  from virus Feline panleukopenia.

For Lara

My love
my friend
my kitten

Dream a dream
inside a dream is
a
beautiful dream
an eternal dream

I cast a peace spell on you
Sleep tight my little sleepy head
Smooth sailing through the night,

Close your wide – opened eyes
Your pupils do not belong to
These dark regions

Nowhere to go after this wish so
You all to myself, to dissappear together
In the place lit by some new suns

(Why I did not die instead of you?
You, demon,
Why you did not take me?)

Brightness cracks.
My duration mocks at me
Tomorrow and tomorrow will undergo
I know.
Wearing a poison in unbearable journey
But,
Nowhere to go when I want to get into
The dawn in my kitten’s eyes

I’ll see you again on the horizon
wherein dream prevails
we meet again
and at the end and on the extension of the roadLara

So long
rest my sleeping beauty
sleep with serene Mud Maid’s sleep
on the other side of the eye
glistens your heart vividly

and though I want to assure myself you
went with a smile
my soul cries, I…

I know that death is the wall that separates us
and that life of the dead living is blinding my sight
my reason
my mind
but that is the nature of sorrow
this is the law of the crying mind

Therefore
Calm be in the horizon
Wait for me..
where they sing ancient lullabies
Calm be…
are you running now lively and all rested?
Wait for me…
at the end of the road and on the extension of the times
tomorrow you’ll be hanging out with roses
sleep peacefully
sleep peacefully

night night, my love
night night

Night.

Thus spoke my mother, Leila Samarrai


Thus spoke my mother.

Seek no longer the soil
Forgotten among the trees
Under which you were born

In the chosen night
When the grasshoppers flew away from the terraces
Into the heap of voices filled with hatred
Directed towards me

Silent mother
Not even a sound to flicker within me
How could I have known
About the other side of maps

Are they coming yet to take me
Rooted in the last morning of a bullet

I arise barefoot
The sea is frightened
Like ground from thunder

Night and an open door, Leila Samarrai


Night and an open door
Spook takes over my head
I see your eyes
Judgment hour – accurately measured moment burns away
I see your eyes
They do not belong to me alone

I threw my soul
Those are the irises of the breeze – yell the dark mirrors
Used up voices grow from blood
They knock over trees by crawling

You return
Roughly wetting the sanctity of my lips
I
Mute and stiff on the threshold
Bitten by the first pain
I spew snake venom

Those are perhaps the silence of your hate and my oblivion
In truth
Neither you, neither me, neither communion

Neither sailors
Left on the lost spectral shores
Neither the cry of ships in the night
Or is it a song of violent love

She is never left voiceless
Even when unheard

Master and Servant, Leila Samarrai


“For whosoever hath, to him shall be given, and he shall have more abundance: but whosoever hath not, from him shall be taken away even that he hath.”, Matthew 13:13

Strange and for me, shameful, hypocritical, let’s say, paradoxical  Bible quote, but what else to be expected from the tax collector. This should be a motto of every bank in the world… written in bold letters, to bath the counter desk with the sacred meaning.. 

SERVANT
Matthew,You, Master, with prostitute blessing,
look at ME!
If I pay Caesar what belongs to him and to God his due,
What is left for me?
How do I pay next time?
You place your head on holy ground…look up!
Are you the One who blesses only the rich?
Are we not blown in the same winds?

MASTER
No! No.
Go to church brave Esther
To esteemed pillars of Jerusalem
Plunge your sword in alchemy of truth and lies
Are you hungry enough to think you’ve fallen?
Did they make you believe you are so low?
Your deeds glorify thy righteousness
How ridiculous to be well read and hungry!
Let their empty hearts speak, spill gold
Believe in me, when empty hearts speak
When your eyes are gouged out, believe in me
Forgive those who do not have–
And reconcile the human injustice.

Oh Matthew, still, you hide.

.

Thank God I’m an atheist. “The Pigs Have Flown, Now What?”, 2014


Thank God I’m an atheist.

Dante, Hell is in the wrong direction.

Peace in the heart is the salvation from demons.

I am buying love.
VAT excluded.

All I need in life are love, prayers and financial support.

Give me the truth and beauty! I will ruin them all.

Beautiful women are walking through the city. Ugly one and through the city and through the rain and through all storms.

And death has a secret hiding place.

Screw a country full of pigs in which I am eager for meat.

The truth about ourselves we always find on the surface.

The only way for forgiveness is the path which remains walkable for others, too.

A man remembers if he will, but a man forgets if he can.

Constantly invoking the memories recalls oblivion.

Culture is not for trade!

One guest for three days as well as one wisdom in an hour.

In focus of the lens, which gathereth the sun’s rays, the light is converted into a fire, the fire ignites, and flame quenches thirst of the avenger as water extinguishes the fire.

Yes, good people, can find fulfillment and purpose through love, warmth and sentimentality.

God bless, the devil said

People believe that there is no difference between intelligence and wisdom. I can not agree with that, because I have met a lot of intelligent cretin in my life, but I have never met the smart moron.

I know a man who believes he is intelligent enough to be able to afford the luxury of becoming a cynic.

I think I had enough. THIS IS NOT A STORY. TRUE EVENTS. UNFORTUNATELY. FOR THOSE WHOM IT MAY CONCERNED, PLEASE READ AND COMMENT.


I think I had enough. THIS IS NOT A STORY. TRUE EVENTS. UNFORTUNATELY. FOR THOSE WHOM IT MAY CONCERNED, PLEASE READ AND COMMENT.

Bearing in mind all my experience and wearing this letter in my mind, I knew not how to answer properly and logically on the issue I have to put, because the questions are logical, yes and yet, it seems that they are not. Or it is hard to explain without writing an essay which I am doing since I cannot leave Serbia in an instant. If the situation with gym trainers is not as with therapeusts in this hell of the „country“ or if they are not, but some of them are, in the need of the same, after all I have experienced in gym, I would check it out for an anger management!

In addition and at the begginning I have to apologize if I will put many informations creating confusion, but I hope you can follow me reading this.
Specifically, I’m trying for two years to persist in the struggle with something that I do not even understand… this is so weird and surreal… which is the question or an issue (I am really trying to transfer the meaning as much as I can) It has to do with G trainers, more precise with their behavior, or more so I wonder how they managed to come to these “titles” – and they are the owners and trainers of the Serbian gyms. On behalf of that, I wrote a story Boris K. and the gym. From the behavior and conversations and through experience with the, let’s call them so called – gym coaches, I am finding out that

1. Either they do not like their job 2. Or they are behaving strangely, to put it mildly, types look down, do not show their clients who are not paying over 100 euros how they should be working on the devices, or they often interrupt training: I apologize, but go down from the device, I have individual training … or they found the devices far more important than the client, as some of them patrol constantly around the devices with an obsessive compulsive cleaning… hindering me in my training, and all that with a confrontational tone. In a country overrun with poverty their goal is to collect an obscene amounts of money for something that they can not even, nor provide in turn, and that’s coaching the client without the ill-treatment of the same.
This experience dates back a very long time, at first my towel was problematic, then one went around me and scolded me, saying not to damage the device ??? because I was sweating in the gym too much for the good taste… wearing tha mask from the Hygienist…(???), and that is the not so important, but so „fancy“ gym on nevermindwhatplace.

One so called the „posh“ coach looked at me, he seemed surprised when I asked him random questions and he said with his rural, not so well hidden accent: before I answer you anything or you sit down, read the price list.
Later I learned that this fancy coach is very much in the hands of steroids.
So, there are gyms and they are very well equipped, but in wrong hands, with the wrong way…, with astronomical prices, making little but „clever“ problems with all that „mind over matter“ quotes and stuffs.. to the individual who does not pay the individual training of over 100 euros.

If I hadmoney, I would not give them the pittance, because they do not deserve nothing, they do not have the knowledge or culture, or anything, they are not real sportists, they are just well fed with euro – pasta) They make you feel bad enough because you pay only! regular membership fee, which is not cheap at all.. on the contrary. And if you don’t pay they will make you those little obstacles, not looking at you, interrupting you, so one should very quickly give up

Then something happened, for Serbia unexpectedly. Serbian representative in bodybuilding opened a gym in New Belgrade, the price was acceptable. I had a female couch. In two she took off some excess pounds from my body and did an amazing job. My metabolism went nuts, and every day I lost 1 kilogram, in addition I practiced to home alone, had a lot of energy, was motivated by watching how my body changed and I could not believe the transformation that I have experienced both physically and psychologically.
Two years ago I was on every day diet regime, trained very powerful workouts at home. Before getting ready for a marathon, the landlady threw me out of the apartment in a rural town on the outskirts of Belgrade where they do not have a decent gym, not to mention the trainers, nor running path, a bus trip took at least two and a half hours, to arrive to the centre….

I’m looking for a coach the entire 2014 and 2015 and after a horrible experience with one inexperienced coach who told me I was in climax in my 37, I came across the add pasted on a street pole. The „gym“ was situated inside the very modern gym, that gym with obsessive compulsive cleanears wearing V for Vendetta Hygienist masks and evil spoken speaker to the practitioner who pay less than 100 euros

Tonight I was shocked by the „conversation“ and the questions set up and that.. you name it.. would require a special version if the translation which I am not capable for. In short, I immediately realized that the person is not professional, nor the coach, she doesn’t look like a couch at all and almost asking me for an advice on how to lose weight herself with all one thing repeating: alas, god .. so how do you do that? But very cynical, mixed with the spicy way of putting the questions like someone who is curious but still raises questions, as if I was the coach, not her: : „Oh, how remarkable that is.. just relax.. it is only psychological problem! (???) But I never find anyone who was entering less calories as you did still having so much energy… , ie under basical methabolism.. you know what is it, dear?“

… At first I noticed her ignorance regarding the work on the treadmill, and that she does not differ miles of kilometers more than an asphalt from the treadmill . I asked if I could have her try her program but to use the treadmill, too *that one obsessively cleaned up!, but said „Oh yes, but it needs an additional charges and prices… above all.. your organism will see.. (???)
Also, she said that my diet was horrible (I’m sure that she will benefit from it because I have sent it to her but if it helps to some poor dear who will be her client, I don’t regret of doing so, except she will present it of course as her „tesla sportslike patent“) Then she asked whi recommended such horrible diet: I said: Serbian champion in bodybuilding and his spouse, a coach of the month which now lives and works in NYC.

Then that „coach of all coaches“, to get back to the topic, who has her own team, with pretty coreographs, drinking coffee, and singing songs, some twisted version of Jehova witnesses a la Gym version, her fb group, who operates in the context of this gym with which I have aboveforementioned “wonderful” experience and at first glance there is no reason that I haven’t tried to contact her or any trainer, once more… she said that there is another option: „You see, you can run in nature because it is healthy (for this I have no comment, since I was preparing for the marathon ..) Also, you can pay cardio and working with dumbells in the Gym!“ (that obsessive cleaning hygienistic… . I think I said it a couple a times before…)

My mother told me to be patient, we will again try to get stepper, perhaps some dumbbells, still to do at home and to continue, and I said: „I haven’t trained for a while… maybe a year… I need someone who will push me a bit, at least to avoid to get hurt..“
The problem is that I was, during those two years taught myself a certain way of life that I do not want to change, but it is very difficult after such a long interruption of training just to do everything alone, without any assistance.
I start, than I stop…
The easiest way to lose weight in the gym, but it takes a professional to help in this, and this does not exist here.

(In this letter – essay the theft and attempts of raising the payments after a while and stealing my shirt for the training, for which I have long saved money to buy it, stolen by the “fancy” trainer, all excluded)

So, once more into the battle, I recalled a nice guy from a gym in New Belgrade. I was working with him, but I was forced to move… In USA people are moving constantly, I know that, because my aunt Suhair is moving constantly, my uncle Labib did it I think two times… but in Serbia this is a shame and a disgrace!)

Also, I have to stress this, an exercise is very important to me. It is not a question of just about having an athletic body, but also about the connection of body and spirit. Some “runners’ high” feeling after the great workout!
So, to finish this sob story, I called the number and I heard a male voice with the accent of Tweebuffelsmeteenskootmorsdoodgeskietfontein:

“ Whooo? Ooo, heeee! He is not working here anymore. He is in retirement”
I think I can handle with this gentlemen.
Could you?
But I think I had enough.