CATS, theatre play, CHARACTERS acca Dramatis personae, Scene 1

CHARACTERS acca Dramatis personae

Living Beings:

ŽELJKO: The Butcher. He is about 40-year-old

JANA: high school girl.  Željko’s daughter, 17-year-old

SRĐAN: a driver, contractor, delayed student, his mental age is still that of a 17-year-old, but he is now 30-years-old

DRAGUTIN:  Jana’s history teacher, about 50-year-old

IKONIJA: A computer expert and a clever astrologer. She keeps her ages a secret.

Sphere Spiriticus Beings:

SAINT PETER: a head of the Eden Administration, Combatant versus Evil Forces. Under his leadership, Eden has boomed economically.

EMANUEL: a hell of the ferryman of Hades who carries souls of the newly deceased across the rivers Styx. a latent kleptomaniac

THE HOLY PARAMORE: A saint, Protector of expectant mothers as well as a feminist

LILITH, a fallen angelina

ALMIGHTY, also known as El, Creator of Heaven, Earth and Hell, blessed be he

LUCIFER, the infamous ruler of Hell.


CATS – Ghosts or ancestral spirits (Disguised actors)

SAINT JOAN OF ARC,  also known as The Runaway Of Paradise

NAPOLEON BONAPARTE, famous French military leader of blessed memory. A firestarter. He sets fire to the Hell, regularly, as a memorial to The Battle of Borodino

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: famous English poet, playwright and actor, of blessed memory, in mourning for his son, Hamet, who passed away too soon.

MARY TUDOR usually appears to drunkards as Bloody Mary


Voice Of Almighty

Voice of Lucifer acca Bad Man With a Forktail




(The stage is illuminated by the spooky light. An apparition like the Commendatore of Mozart’s Don Giovanni is placing coins in the mouth of a dead,  simultaneously taking cash from spectres, surrounded by phantasms and grotesques)  

Grotesque: Am I at the centre of the underworld?

the Commendatore: You don’t have to look no further. This here is a swamp, which sometimes is also called the River Styx.

Grotesque: I was told to take a boat that crosses the Styx rivers.  Ask the psychopomp to guide you across the rivers Styx, Acheron…

the Commendatore: (interrupting Grotesque mid-sentence) You have to pay me to take you! Or you could get stuck on the shore.

Grotesque: Fair enough. Take your coin.

the Commendatore: Your money’ s no good here.  We don’t take nor obols, nor checks. Euros only.

Grotesque: You took my intention the wrong way.  I want you to take me back to the place I was before. Could you tell me how much this would cost?

the Commendatore: Too much to receive a payment in a currency you don’t hold.





















Cats, theatre play, scene 5

Cats, theatre play, scene 5, Leila Samarrai, translated into English, Mazikeen Leila Smith

Read it fully, deeply, and completely on the link below.


(The Holy Paramore and Saint Peter are sitting together, cheek to cheek, staring at each other lovingly, outside the gates of Heaven.)


SAINT PETER: Sweetie, I would tear down the sky for you if you ask me!

THE HOLY PARAMORE: That’s not possible, my angel. We are already in the heavens.

SAINT PETER (he is kissing her forehead) You are choosing words wisely, my ethereal love.

THE HOLY PARAMORE: Well, then, my honey, my sweetie pie, my darl… always honourable, acquitted from all sins and free of defilement (sigh) I’d give you all my bury bones.

SAINT PETER: And I’d give you all my hagiographys! But don’t my lamb chop, don’t bother… my heart leaps to see you again, almost stopped with happiness! My tongue got tangled, like tree branches, that’ s all so wonderfully romantic! – weaving a knotted web. Keep your relics for yourself. You’ll need them when you least expect it. Say, as far as your parents, were they enjoying considerable wealth? When they were alive?

THE HOLY PARAMORE: Maybe they would’ve been, but they died out millions of years ago, beloved.

SAINT PETER: (shaking his head) Such a write off. I don’t need anything besides you, thou that art highly favoured. Along with other virtues which are not worthy of you or of that expensive dress you are wearing.

THE HOLY PARAMORE: It warms my heart knowing you are having second thoughts when it comes to receiving gifts, my inamorato, for it suggests the sentiments which are disgusting to both of us. Bad, black acts governing both heaven and hell. And all violations and transgressions, can’t even approach two greatest sins, my flame.

SAINT PETER: And what since might those be, my true love?

THE HOLY PARAMORE: These two: a materialism and an adultery.

SAINT PETER: Blessed be.

THE HOLY PARAMORE: You’ve been spending too much time with Satan’s ferryman, my one and only. He is a bad influence on you, my Pippin. Should I be concerned?

SAINT PETER: But, my crackajack, my peach, my sugar, you always told me: Peter, you’re gentle like Lorca’s rosebud. But only sweet imp, a devilish masculine type is fit to be my real husband. I am having trouble enjoying the company of that mad, bad sinner, my holy par – amore, my significant other. But, that’ s the only way that I can learn high/level pranks and stuff. I’ m doing all of this for you, paramour. Whatever I do… maintaining my vow of chastity, I ask him, now and then, to teach me how to dodge, to cheat, to turn tricks, to…

THE HOLY PARAMORE: Trick, what trick? Any unusual sin? Sure! This must be.. ah! Tell me! (her eyes shine)

SAINT PETER: Blessed the cheek…! Recently… (scratches behind his ear) He, Emanuel, our hellish ferryman, disguised as John The Baptist, he swung a censer as he danced a Limbo dance, calling for souls in Limbo, making them swim in groups.. in Styx, yelling: Bathe and prepare to meet the Chief, citing verses 42-43… a moment Paradise filled up with sinners, choking angels with devilish smoke, while he was still singing: “The bath is full” while I.. oh my dearie, my knockout, my holy par amour.. I’ve had my hands pretty busy putting them all back in and to straighten out Emanuel’s mess. Suddenly, a stubborn Limbecile, since he was obliged to come home to the antechamber of hell, took his own life. He liked Paradise so much that he actually thought he was innocent. Of course, this was just a hell – loop…

THE HOLY PARAMORE: (squeezing her ethereal little legs just a little harder, her cheeks reddened)
O, sacrilège!
O, blasphème!
Isn’ t that what happened? Terrible thing.

SAINT PETER: There’ s more! Emanuel ordered Pizza capricciosa for the Gluttonous of the Third Circle of Hell… a special-order kind of thing: one for Cerberus – The chilli peppers give it a real kick.

Quite the scandal. Say no more! Not a second thought! Strike it from your mind, my darl, such a leechcraft, no more! Keep your high-quality pectoral cross washed clean of all the black marks, for he shall forever glow as a sign of perpetual light!
As for your Eden Key, Peter, bring it to my ethereal bed, Romeo!

SAINT PETER: (Peter, his lovely eyes intent on his Key, breathlessly..)
The apple of my eye! I got a report on the Sanitation department of Eden… It is written: The key won’t get rusty, Peter if you keep him someplace dry.

THE HOLY PARAMORE: Not before he serves his purpose. Oh, Peter! Hug me, hug me, hold me, Peter! Almighty, wrap him up in dark bedsheets. Let there be dark! Let him go forth, out of the dark, come out, a beautiful gloomy face of my true love! A, he’s asleep!… (she’s up, stepped into the Garden, butt- nagged for gods sakes)

THE HOLY PARAMORE: Oh, you, a madcap little devil of mine! Cheater! Hustler! Handsome sleaze – bag! O, I loved the way how you banged me in the clouds and there I lay pretended I were dead!

EMANUEL: (peeking over Tree of the knowledge of good and evil)
Does he not suspect something?

THE HOLY PARAMORE: He is no more boring than book reports. Let’s get together at midnight, honeypie, someone might see us.

EMANUEL: You wanna go for a ride in our gondola, my bimbo!
THE HOLY PARAMORE:… Surfing dark waters, us being together.. my beefcake!

EMANUEL: There’ s a shortcut near purgatory river, bitch!

THE HOLY PARAMORE: I’m getting juiced up over the nude beaches, stud!

EMANUEL: Come to my arms, you, she-devil!
(They are kissing)

Nema lajkova, nema komentara!

Since I am speaking in Serbian, I will try to explain my intention to non – Serbian speakers – my intention was not to show you my gorgeous lioness hair.. but to make fun of, precisely FB comments and likes –  in fact of everything that seems to be real, but it’s like totally fake.

Subtitles will follow, God’s will 🙂


This is one of the many versions (The Introduction) of my drama play “Cats”. There is a final version, of course, it is printed, but due to some kind of miracle, it is not in the computer, so I should type it again. Drama is intended for reading, and this version is slightly longer, so this task is constantly postponed. Anyway, I was looking for something in mails, then I came across this version which is not as good as the one after.. but still made me laugh.
I’m sorry I can not give you present texts in English (for now), my translators (Scylla and Charybdis have some unfinished business with satan in Styx at noon (reviving the dead and translating them something like… corpse never dies and other Meow – Poetry Of Hell in Hebrew and Hungarian – Finnish) They shall be back in couple of centuries, till then, wait and see – I’ll manage somehow. Try to use google translate!


image found here


Leila Samarrai

Scena 1


(Sv Petar prekrštenih nogu sedi u Edenu, ispred Rajskih vrata na stolici od hrastovog drveta sa gusto isprepletanim gravurama krstova. Revlon remom lašti go go čizme. Našminkan je kao Azijatkinja, dok u haljini Đovani sluša poznatu ariju opera Madam Baterflaj. (na video bimu prikazana scena iz opera Madam Baterflaj) Nosi rej ban naočare I pije kafu iz kutije na kojoj piše Energetska Kafa dok prelistava katalog ženskih perika iz Hongkonga. ..) Na okruglu stolicu na kojoj sve Petar najčešće sedi dok se ogleda u stilizovanom ogledalu od višnjinog drveta rajske modne kuće “Taština” sleće Emanuilo, pakleni lađar, koji izgledom podseća na Grejs Džons.)


O, Petre sveti, slomilo mi se veslo dok plovih Stiksom vrelim. Ukoliko mi ne pomogneš, Raj mi ne gine!

Rekao sam ti da za paklene vožnje koristiš rajska. Ona su čvršća. Sačinjena od čistog vatikanskog zlata.

(kuca na računaru)

Jedno rajsko veslo za lađara pakla.

Petre, do sad sam sumnjao, ali sad znam da si mi pravi prijatelj. Izvukoh se. Za dlaku!

(SV PETAR I EMANUIL se zagrliše)

SV PETAR: (dok ga grli)
Biće mi potrebna protivusluga.

Uvek…  i.. skloni ruke sa moje zadnjice.

Ovo ti je treće u nedelju dana? Problemi u paklu? Podsvesna želja da postaneš rajska pastirica?

Tako mi I treba kad prevozim Ruse. (sa divljenjem zagleda u novo, zlatno veslo koje mu je doneo heruvim) I to nikog drugog do Ivana Prvog Kalitu, autokratu ciciju u istom čamcu sa Judom.

(SV PETAR se prekrsti)


Želi da se vrati na Zemlju kako bi dao trideset srebrnjaka u dobrotvorne svrhe.


Tek što dođosmo do sredine mračne vode, zatražih obojici kaparu, ali Rus nije hteo da mi plati, već mi ot’e veslo iz ruke, slomi ga I gurnu me u Stiks. Tada začuh potmulo režanje praćeno žuborom vode, žuboritije od kipećeg Stiksa..

Iju! Pa šta se to ču?

To je Sotona pevao pod tušem. Pomislih šta bi se desilo da sazna, uplaših se I vratih Judi srebrnjake.

PETAR: (uzdiše)O, Emanuilo, pa zar svih trideset?

EMANUIL: (izdiše)
Svakodnevno sam na iskušenju da pokojnicima koje prevozim otimam novac, ali bojim se da me Ničnižnji ne vrati među žive, ako sazna da mu diram u kasicu prasicu.

Emanuilo, to I nije tako loše! Kad si živ, onda možeš da podigneš keš kredit u Poštanskoj štedionici Srbije!


Kažu da tamo prednost imaju preminuli.. Uostalom, miliji su mi večni krediti na odloženo plaćanje.